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Successful but unhappy
Everything was perfect: The family company was flourishing, the money rolled. Then Terése Stigdotter discovered that she had a tumour. Everything collapsed and suddenly it became obvious that the driving force behind her success was anxiety. Turnabout. Divorce. But finally Terése found a new direction in her life.
By Janna Li Holmberg, Foto: Lars Mårelius
I was successful but not happy.
What is actually “a good life!?. And who decides that? We want to believe that we have chosen our own lives, but in actual fact we have taken upon ourselves other norms and requirements on how we ought to live.
With the answers in her hand, Terése Stigdotter can see that she has always rejected her own feelings and needs in order to be successful and conform. In search of a happy existence, she was running faster and faster in a hamster wheel. She worked even harder with her successful Norwegian hotel that had both politicians and pop stars as returning guests, a turnover of 80 million Norwegian crowns a year and 120 employees under her. She and her husband were even planning expand the business with another hotel in the high mountains of Norway.
When she was not running the hotel she was decorating the interior of their multi-million crown house, travelling, playing golf, skiing and made sure that every minute was fully booked with activities.
“We were successful and therefore I thought that I was also happy, says Terése.
She was so much taken up the idea of making her vision of who she wanted to be come true, that she ignored the inner emptiness and anxiety which grew bigger and bigger - moreover, she refused to accept the serious news from her doctor: she had a tumour in her throat. It was in fact, benign, but it needed to be removed in order not to grow any bigger.
I myself regarded my life as perfect and in my world it was not accepted to be weak, sick or vulnerable. Therefore I allowed several months to pass knowing I had a tumour without doing anything about it, not even talking to my doctor., Terése says, and describes how terrified she was of her perfect façade crashing.
The turning point came when she happened to end up at the controversial Meet-Yourself course at Mullingstorp. She did not go for herself, but came along as a partner to her husband who was burnt out from their hectic life. She, herself, felt fine except for the tumour in her throat which she did everything to deny. When she was finally doing the course at Mullingstorp, she quickly became involved into her own emotional process. She was forced to realise that she was sick from the tumour, from stress and from having denied her own desires in life.
At Mullingstorp, which is holistically oriented, you work with body therapy exercises around birth and death in order to get to know your own emotional needs and to come to understand who you are and what you want from life. In an exercise around her own birth, Terése re-lived the fear of dying and how painful it is to be born. Moreover, for the first time ever, she really met herself. And she met a very tired and scared little girl.
I really re-lived the experience of being born. Just before I reached the panic, I felt I had to struggle or I would die. And that is the way I have always lived; I have fought or I would go under. For the first time ever I dared to let go and relax. What a liberation! Finally, I was allowed to be myself, and to be as tired, scared and unhappy as I really was.
This was a revolutionary week at the course centre. Terése realised that all though her life she had tried to be somebody else. She realised that she was actually a sensitive, enthusiastic person who had been told to be quiet her whole childhood - she, who thought that she hated emotions and closeness.
She was a troublesome child. She was often unhappy; she had terrible tantrums that ended by her losing her breath and fainting. It used to be called an aphasia fit. Terése’s parents had trouble meeting her anger and fear. She felt rejected and was left with her unpleasant feelings. As she got older, she learnt the art of adjusting and became a master in denying herself.
“I was a longed-for, dearly loved child. You do not necessarily need to have had a broken childhood to be driven by fear and anxiety as an adult. But I come from an environment in which no one should be better than anybody else and the message to me was “You are here to serve and meet the expectations of others”.
In light of her re-lived childhood memories, Terése understood why she had got a tumour in her throat.
“I swallowed and swallowed and swallowed in order to do what others wanted. It’s no wonder that I ended up with a tumour in my throat”.
After the Meet Yourself course, everyday existence seemed meaningless to Terése. She realised that she created her life from ideas about who she wanted to be not really who she actually was. For the first time in her adult life, she surrendered to a great tiredness. During a period of two months, she and her husband sold their hotel, their house and all their possessions. Terése had her benign tumour removed, and moved back home to Sweden. It was also the turning point for Terése and her husband’s relationship.
“My former husband is a very authoritative person. Today I realise that it was a security to me to be married to a man who decided who I should be and what I should feel. I have been bad at taking responsibility for myself and my own life.”
The divorce went through when her husband accepted a new director’s job. Terése had totally changed by then. The longing for an inner growth and to devote herself to emotional development grew. She started to train as a therapist. During her divorce Terése, as usual, expected her husband to deal competently with the paperwork and possessions. Soon after, it became obvious that the joint agreement was not to Terése’s advantage.
Today Terése has found her own way, far away from the entrepreneurial spirit and materialistic values. She lives alone in a little house by the sea far away from the city and she works as a therapist with her own clients and also as a therapist at Mullingstorp. She works only as much as she needs to manage financially and owns only the basics. She lives in the present, from one day to the next, with no specific visions.
“I live a very simple and pure life, with a very low income and few possessions. And it feels really good and liberating. When I don’t work I rest, think, sleep, meet friends, laugh, am sad I just live.”
At Mullingstorp Terése has met not only herself, but also a new man. She describes their relationship as very special and different compared to her former relationships.
“Sometimes we don’t see each other for several weeks, but when we do meet it is on an equal basis. We have an open relationship, but that does not mean that we have other partners on the side. We meet as two free, independent people. I take responsibility for my life and he takes responsibility for his.”
As a therapist and fellow human being, she receives of a lot of energy back as opposed to her former job, which took away her energy. However, she does not agree that she has “been saved” or “enlightened”.
“I want to support other people in their quest and at the same time to continue to work with my own development.”
She doesn’t believe in reaching complete harmony
I’m not striving for any kind of nirvana. I often feel depressed or sad as well as feeling happy and giggly. But today I express my feelings instead of being frightened by them. Before, every day was a struggle. Today I know that I was chasing myself. And it’s myself that I have found on this journey.
Terése has five pieces of advice to help you find your own way
- Pause and tune in to yourself
- Take yourself seriously
- Its your life grab it
- Dare to take an unpleasant decision instead of continuing with something that does not feel right.
- Dare to believe in and stand up for what you feel.
Terése Stigdotter
Age 44. Lives in a little house by the sea at Vikbolandet, Norrköping, Sweden. She works as a therapist at Mullingstorp and also has her own clients. Her Motto is “Life is here and now and I’m living it”.
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