|
Viktora “met herself”
Text Osmo Vatanen
Viktoria Eriksson had reached the top. Yet she was on the brink of ruining everything. Alcohol was about to destroy her. A course at Mullingstorp changed all that.
Six years ago, in spite of the fact that Victoria Eriksson was at the height of her career as a trotting horse trainer, she was about to spoil it all. She had been honoured on the winner’s podium many times, but it was actually beginning to taste bad.
The sport of trotting was, to Viktoria, the incarnation of a childhood dream. At the age of 34, she is a slender, fit girl with masses of curly brown hair and so serious a look in her eye that not even an Ardenne horse would dare to disobey.
“I grew up in the home of an artist on the shores of Lake Vättern and inherited a fair amount of artistic talent from my father. Becoming an artist was an alternative for me but I longed to work with horses. I began riding at the age of six. When I left school my desire to work with horses had my father’s full support,” remembers Victoria.
Wanting to be seen and recognised
Her father, Folke Eriksson, was a talented painter, graphic artist and inventor and even invented a children’s game called Sjörövare which means “Sea Pirates”. He was a founder of Småland’s Art Collection in Värnamo.
Viktoria was born a bit after the rest of her four siblings. She grew into an ambitious and focused 15-year-old girl. With her ability to give her all in everything she did, she quickly showed ability as a trainer. The whole time she longed to show what she could do, be seen, recognised and well liked. Nevertheless, somewhere, deep-down, she was terrified.
“As a child I was frightened and escaped from people to horses. My mother used to say that I was more at ease with horses than with people. I found it difficult to relate to people because they were immature and stupid. I had difficulty expressing myself and standing up for my own beliefs,” says Viktoria Eriksson.
She found the root of her problem in her childhood
My father was so introverted that I could never reach him. Yet he was my first big love. When I could not reach him, I looked for someone else who could see how clever I was, for example, my riding teacher or my trainer in trotting. This was a way of seeking love through performance.
Alcohol became an escape
Her search was doomed to fail. Somewhere inside disappointment gnawed at her and the price for the hard training and being on tour severely affected her. She began drinking far too much.
“Finally my whole life fell apart. I could not face it any longer and I drank far too much as I needed to relax and escape from all work and problems. In spite of it all there was certain romance about drinking. In the end, it became an addiction. Sometimes I felt as if I lived only to drink.
On overseas tours, I was more-or-less drunk the whole time although I cared for my horses in an exemplary manner. When I drank, I drank to the full, as with everything else I did. At home I drank everything I could find and finally I went crazy and ran away.
When she was 27 yrs old, she had tennis elbow and such extreme pain in her right leg that she need help getting into the trotting cart. She had a few love affairs and got pregnant. Soon her life became totally meaningless
Viktoria began going round in circles trying to find a solution. A knock on the door one day brought her to Jehovah’s Witnessess. She felt they were genuine and friendly towards one another.
In actual fact Vicktoria had got herself into a corner. The Witnesses approved of neither trotting nor abortions. She was split in two, one part of her wanted to stay with the Witnesses, the other wanted to drink and do as she pleased not giving a fig for the Witnesses opinion and to go and have an abortion.
“Later on I understood that the Witnesses were another escape from the present. I did not need to take responsibility for myself. Instead, paradise would come to me to teach me how to live. Believers often use God as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for their own situation. Instead of meeting your own truth, believers try to be truthful to God. This fear leads to a mechanical and unreal behaviour. Many Jehovah’s Witnesses are psychologically ill.”
“At last I understood that I could not live both as a Witness and an alcoholic and my solution was to commit suicide.”
The pain emerged
Fate decided against this. I saw an advertisement in the newspaper for Dr Bengt Stern’s book about meeting yourself and your pain called “Meet Yourself beyond your Intellect”. (His latest book is called “Feeling Bad is a Good Start”).
When I read the book, I really felt how much pain and denial there was in my body. I registered for the course. I thought I would first go to Mullingstorp and then commit suicide”, says Viktoria Eriksson and laughs at the bizarre and tragic memory.
Surrendering had its advantages. When she came to Meet YourSelf course she threw herself headlong into the exercises.
“As I was going to die anyway, I didn’t have to be afraid of anything. I gave myself up to an existence beyond my control and found, for the first time in my life, peace. By so doing, I gave up the fight to live up to the demands of the Witnesses and be a good trainer. Instead, I experienced an unbelievable peace, joy and strength. All my pain, sorrow and despair that I had never let out, welled up. My need to drink disappeared.”
Goodbye to trotting
That was the last the trotting sport saw of Viktoria. By owning a horse for several years, she kept a finger in the pie but today the horse is sold. Instead, she gathered together all her things and drove back to Mullingstorp. During the course, she had a powerful experience that compelled her to return to Mullingstorp. Today, Viktoria lives together with the 67 year old Bengt Stern. She has made it difficult for herself by living with such a decisive man. She could easily have left the responsibility for her life to him.
“It’s my lesson in life that I choose to live with a person with such power and authority. I have maybe done as one does in many relationships, and sought someone who lives those parts of his life that one doesn’t dare.
I would like to become so strong in myself, creating so much space that I can live with such a person. Today I am much stronger.”
Important to take charge of your life
Responsibility has become an important word for Viktoria. Before she came to Mullingstorp, she was ready to blame others for everything that was wrong in her life. She neglected herself.
“People tend to rely on their doctors for their bodily health instead of finding the reasons behind their ill health. One needs to dare to look at one’s actual situation in life. Do I want to live with my partner or do I want to live alone? Why do I abuse cigarettes, etc?”
When people pose these questions, they will inevitably come in contact with their fears from early childhood. These fears are the main reasons for illness and other troubles in life. When we go beyond our fear and control, we are exposed to the core of our being, our strength, sexuality and vitality. Paradoxically, this is the most threatening. “We would rather stay miserable and blame our childhood,” she says.
Shadows are harmless
When she exposed her darkest side and still was accepted, Viktoria experienced a deep healing. When one lets go of the dark side and accepts it, the shadows become harmless.
When we no longer need to imprison our feelings, we don’t need to react either, but merely accept them. The feelings are fulfilled and therefore disappear. However, there is no alternative to expressing the reality you have, however neurotic it might be, if you want some feedback from people around you and want to change your situation in life. It’s better to be yourself than to hide in the dark. “It’s unpleasant to be around such people, trying to work out precisely where they are,” says Viktoria Erickson.
“The next stage is to become open and vulnerable and say what you think without blaming other people. If you have accepted your own rage, for example, you won’t be afraid to face others.”
Her experience tells her that you cannot hop over stages of development in life. They must all be processed and feelings must be let out, preferably in a group under good guidance so that one feels secure.
After the Mullingstorp courses, Viktoria Eriksson went on to take part in an 11 week therapist training in Denmark. She is presently studying basic medicine at Axelsons Institute in Stockholm.
The rewards have been great. When telling her story the words come fast and are to the point. Her look and gestures reveal a strong self-esteem. She has become a much more mature person and has gradually taken on more responsibility. Today she is responsible for the running of Mullingstorp and does not hesitate to take on the role of therapist.
Do you want know more?
Mullingstorp Centre, S-610 27 Vikbolandet, Sweden. Tel +46 125 13220, Fax +46 125-13403.
|
